Secrets and Lies

You know him/her. They’re your neighbor, your co-worker, your Dance Moms friend, your second cousin on Dad’s side of the family. They appear to have it all together, but they really are dying on the inside. They spend all their energy “helping” everyone, and can be a community blessing. They are ridiculously busy. Deny themselves “me” time. They fall into bed every night exhausted, yet sleep doesn’t come easily.

It was a facade I kept up for many years. My unhappy marriage kept circling back to me. I had to do something. I had a years-long stomach ache. It went away when I filed for divorce. It hasn’t returned in nearly 40 years. That told me a lot. I saw the truth. And a different way of life. Things fell into place. Seminars appeared, which helped me become caught up to function in the business world without a college degree.

Life was good. My career became very important to me. I met fascinating people. I learned so much. I continued taking classes over the next 25 years. With three kids, a dog, and my house, I was very busy. In 1996, I finally graduated from college. There was one thing I never resolved. I kept doing the same thing. I kept wondering why the results were always the same? I had several weeks of confinement to bed after my extensive spine surgery. I faced the deepest loneliness I’ve ever felt. It was crippling. I was all alone in this world. It was probably my choices that was the problem.

Shortly after that, in March 1996, I met the Babe. It was only then I realized I picked the wrong guys repeatedly. I picked people who ultimately rejected me. I was used to it. Suddenly, after the waiting and being rejected, the Babe and I clicked. I abolished my fake bravado. It took awhile. Most of our deepest talks happened early. I could trust him in every way. He’s proven this. It feels so good to do that. He’s the one in every way. I have torn down my walls. Not going to use them again. I have no reason. The rest is a life worth living. A life worth sharing. Everything I ever thought is possible. But I had to speak. And speak out. And quit whining to myself. I had to do was look at the facts. Truth never lies.

Challenge yourself. We all have areas of our lives that are less than perfect. Often, we are more in control of our destiny that we think. If a person has an alcohol or drug issue, they need to fess up before they can do anything about it. And they need to stay on their own straight and narrow road, with a little help from their friends. Groups like AA and NA help thousands of people every day. Every month. Every year. I have many people who are in those groups and thrive. Others show up and don’t participate. No one is a mind reader. You have to share to get help. Somewhere, you need to share.

I’m not a member of any such group. I have studied codependency and Adult Children issue since 1982, when two ladies I worked with shared their experiences with me. Their support helped solidify my independence and growth. They have both passed away from cancer. I miss them. They were real friends. They made a big difference in my life. Thanks, ladies!

Let yourself share something today with someone who will be silent and listen to you. I saw a meme yesterday I liked a lot. “Silent and Listen both are spelled with the same letters.” You can probably trust someone who will listen to you while being silent. You can start there. It doesn’t have to be your deepest, darkest secret. Be discreet. You’ll learn who to share with and who not to share with. It takes time. The more I denied, the longer it took me. Life is indeed too short to spend it living a lie.

Thank you for reading today. Learn to listen to your inner voice if something keeps cropping up in your mind that shouts, “This needs to change!” Don’t deny and make yourself physically ill. Be Kind. Be Thoughtful. Be Courteous. Be Silent while you Listen. You’ll give a great gift to someone. See you all tomorrow!

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